The Elevator Experiments

The elevator: A tiny place that many of us slide into every morning to reach the floor of our employment. Over the months I’ve worked here, I’ve noticed so many things about this minute-long ride to the 17^th floor. Here are many of my observations:

–         I am always a little nervous that the door is going to crush me as I walk through.

–         I hate not being the first one out. If I have to wait, I silently judge those around me.

–         I’m a selfish jerk on the elevator.

–         Who wears this much cologne?

–         Did someone smoke inside the elevator?

–         Apparently, there is a volleyball-like rotation when someone new enters the elevator. See Figure 1.1.

–         I love the look people give when the door opens to a capacity-filled elevator. They always have that moment of considering getting on, then slowly back away as if they just walked up on a robbery. As if it’s rude to not get on or that they will offend everyone. But I also love it when someone decides to join us, and then everyone HATES that guy the rest of the way.

It dawned on me the other day, I am sick of the elevator and I think everyone else is, too. It’s time someone takes a stand! So I decided that from now on, I will refuse to participate in any common elevator practices. From that day on, I promised to go with my gut instinct instead of conforming to some predetermined set of rules.

My first attempt at liberating the slave ship that is the elevator was today…

I was on my way to get back to my car so I could call my wife. It was around lunchtime, so the Darth Vaders (my new nickname for elevators) were pretty slow. Finally, I hear the wonderful ding announcing that a box was ready. The doors slid open and I saw a bunch of people crammed in like when you dare someone to put the whole jar of M&Ms in their mouth. My first instinct was to do the whole back-away-slowly routine since I did not feel like getting on. But then I remembered my declaration! They were all staring at me, waiting for me to make a decision. I acted quickly because if you don’t act quickly, the doors will close and chaos would ensue. So, I looked them all in the eye and shook my head “No” very slowly like I had just witnessed a brutal murder, then sprinted away from the elevator doors, out of sight…

Sounds stupid, right? Well, it was…but I felt great! Plus, everyone in that elevator probably had stuff to say to each other instead of empty traffic/weather conversations! I freed those people from the shackles of small talk and rocketed them to hilarious interactions for the rest of the week!

“What was he running from?”

“Why was he shaking his head like that?”

“What did he see that scared him off so bad?”

“Was he OK?”

I hope these questions and many more were asked as the doors were closing. I hope I was able to bring them all together through utter confusion about what just happened.  I get ideas like this all the time: throwing people off by doing the unexpected. Not in an offensive or crude way, mind you. Just little ways that don’t leave them feeling stupid, just…confused.

Conclusion: You’re welcome, world.